Pit Bulls and SUVs

Pit Bull Terriers and Hummers send the same message to me: “My owner has a small penis and a tiny brain.” The two beasts may seem unrelated, but their genesis and proliferation are children of the same junkie whore mother.

Another pit bull attack in Omaha and another kid loses a portion of her anatomy. This time it was a 15-month-old baby with her scalp ripped off. The owner, a stereotypically unwashed, undereducated woman with obvious life issues, told television reporters she was sorry for what happened to the kids. 20/20 remorse. It would be nice if these short-sighted troglodytes considered the possible ramifications of keeping their killer “pets” in an urban area with children. Are there not enough documented cases of kids getting their faces or genitals bitten off by noble Staffordshires to pierce the fog of terminal adolescence that surrounds the owners of these dogs? Seriously, how self-absorbed does a person have to be to put his own misanthropic desire for a big mean dog ahead of the safety and well-being of his community?

… about as self-absorbed as the cases of arrested development who drive Hummers and other big SUVs during an energy crisis. Just pop some Extenze, for chrissake, or better yet, get over yourself and realize you’re still a selfish, juvenile, strutting little peacock no matter what you drive. Sure, sure: we have the Divinely granted freedom to engage in whatever self-and-socially destructive behavior the Gods of Oligarchy deem profitable (provided it’s nothing so benign as marrying whom you want or smoking weed), and I am not suggesting we ban SUVs. I would, however, like to bitch-slap some perspective and self worth into the bitches hogging the highway and the resources in their rolling self-esteem chambers.

These are just two lurid examples of what is really the fundamental and basic compulsion of our entire culture and economy: the Holy Pursuit of Unnecessary Goods. The more extravagant and nonsensical the purchase, the more negative the fallout elsewhere, the more valuable it will be seen by you and the Joneses.

For example, women want diamonds because, like ravens and crows, they like to line their nests with shiny things. Pathetic men purchase these overpriced shards of coal in the hope of a consistent date less efficient than their own right hands. Both parties in this blatant bit of prostitution ignore the well-publicized fact that folks half a world away are being raped and murdered to supply hooker and john with their trinket of respectability. Again: It’s not a secret that many of us were married with conflict diamonds. It just doesn’t matter to us. Those little things are just so damn pretty; a few dead kids in Africa are a small price to pay to stroke our fancy and our egos.

It’s all of a piece. We define ourselves by what we own, setting a baseline of narcissism and materialism. I don’t believe the Superstitious Right when they preach about Christian values in their $1,000.00 sweetwater suits and 3000-square-foot homes. I don’t believe God’s Pit Bull, the current Catholic Pope, who rails against vague materialism while strutting in his red Pradas and blessing fleets of Ferraris.

I don’t believe the purportedly socially and environmentally conscious left, whether D.C. or Hollywood, who talk a pretty good game, but who zip back and forth in private jets and fuel the most banal brand-minded consumerism. When push comes to shove, neither Barack nor Hillary will actually alter their lifestyles or consumer habits for the greater good, any more than would Bush or a Saudi prince. There really isn't much difference between the illiterate troll who keeps a pit bull, the preening suburbanite getting 10 mpg in his Hummer, and the middle class consumer who pays no attention to where his diamonds, shirts or coffee come from. The underlying attitude is, "we gots to get ours, and screw the consequences."

Much Peace